In Need of Refreshment

Have you ever had one of those days where everything just becomes too hard and seems too much? All of the problems you've faced and responsibilities you've had since your last "breakdown" have just built up and it's time to let it all go? Well, it was my time to let it out last night.

For months now, there have been things I've been thinking and feeling and although I'm generally an open person, I've been keeping it all bottled up and not letting anyone in. It makes me wonder why when greeted with, "Hey, how are ya?" we all answer "Yeah, good, thanks" even though sometimes it's so far from the truth. Probably because if you just opened up and started crying or something the person who initiated the greeting may be a little freaked out. For me however, I've had so many opportunities in the past 6 months to share how I've felt with so many people I trust, like my boyfriend, my bff, a super close friend (who always has the right answers and a Bible verse to go with it) and my youth pastor. These four people all genuinely care and always give encouragement yet I never let any of them in. Worst of all, I haven't been letting God in. Because I've been dealing with so much stuff inside and I've been used to hiding it all with a smile, I fell into the habit with doing that to God, forgetting that He sees my heart and knows my worries better than even I do.

Its funny how we get to that stage; fooling ourselves into thinking that even God will take our fake response of saying "fine, thanks" when He sees so much more. I don’t ignore God or anything; I still do things I usually do except when it comes to my quiet times and prayer, I put my wall up and not reveal my problems but instead, pray for other people and pray that God will reveal Himself in my life - leaving Him to find me and for Him to sort everything out in my life without asking for it.

So this scene I had last night has been brewing up for a while. I don't really know where to start with explaining some of it. Well the biggest issue is shutting out God but I'm working on that. The next thing would be the issue that makes me so upset, sometimes in tears, whenever I dwell on it. It's to do with making choices; deciding between things. Some decisions in life are so simple - like what your favourite colour is or what to wear for the day (okay so they're aren't great examples for me because they're far from simple but I'm sanguine - it's natural!) whereas deciding things like what to do for a career and choosing between people you love can be make or break decisions. To me, those two things are tied up for the second biggest issues I'm facing.

I’ll put the career issue in another blog because this one is already way to long. This friends vs. boyfriend issue is so draining on me and I can’t seem to fix it. I was going to write about it but I can’t find the courage or the words. All I’ll say is that God’s teaching me, through a long, slow process, that He is the one who brings people in our lives and takes them away and although at the time it may not seem clear, God will show His reasoning soon enough. It sounds good, but it’s hard to rely on some days when all you want to do is go back, even a year, and have the same relationships as you once did. Then you play the ‘what if’ game. But whatever questions I ask or thoughts I may ponder, I know that things can never go back to how they were a year ago; the relationships won’t be the same. I just wish that it was indeed a “perfect world” and hard decisions wouldn’t have to be made but it’s far from perfection and we all have to face things that break us up inside.
I’ve had a new mini outlook today; I’ve been thinking that life is so short so why bother wasting it disliking some people for things they did in the past or just holding on to things that don’t matter but instead embracing the time we have with the people we love and serving the Lord. Because I’ve had this burst of encouragement, I keep hoping that somehow the people that I miss will too and just forget their current views of BF and I don’t know, just start again, I guess.

For the past half an hour, I’ve been writing things and then erasing them so it’s probably a safe point to leave now, only to start writing another one I suppose. Well I’ve opened up and shared two of my issues…that’s a start at least =)
Oh, and if you were wondering, my outburst happened in the Marion shopping centre car park around 9pm after shopping with BF (boyfriend, if you hadn’t been following) so yes, he unfortunately copped it all but was a great encouragement and help =)